WHOA,

that one is mean!

EIGHT EASY STEPS TO RUIN YOUR BODY

1. Dance without warming-up
Why bother with all those pliés, relevés and tendues? Let's go straight to the grand jetés and quadruple pirouettes. They are much more fun anyways. And stretching a cold muscle is such a lovely feeling after all. No more pliés, let's do petit allegro for warm-up!
Looking forward to torn ligaments, tendons and muscles.

2. Teach yourself to dance en pointe
Pointe classes are just your studio's way of trying to get more money from you. Don't listen to them. Teaching yourself pointe is fun. Just go to the local ballet store, grab the next best pointe shoe and buy it. Or order a pair online. All you have to do is go up on pointe somehow and run around the room. Easy!
If you have already learned how to dance in pointe shoes, don't be sad. Why not try dancing on pointe without pointe shoes?
Looking forward to broken ankles, feet and toes, torn ligaments, tendons and muscles.

3. Do exercises only to one side
We all can do exercises to one side better than the other. Why be embarrassed by showing our bad extension to the left to others, when our right one clearly rocks? Let's just skip it. Be careful that you do everything to the front and side with one leg and everything to the back with the other one. Otherwise, the desired effect will not be fully achieved. And let's face it, even if our arabesques with the right leg are low, why should we care? When we are all primaballerinas, our personal choreographers won't include them in our dances anyways. Why waste time learning them?
Looking forwarded to being lopsided.

4. Ignore your teacher
Admit it, that person who calls him or herself a teacher really doesn't know anything. All they do the whole day long is standing there, giving out random commands such as pull your stomach in, knees straight, chin up etc etc etc. Then they make up the occassional french term and show off that they can indeed count until 8. Now every child at the age of 10 could do this. Therefore, ignore your teachers. And most of all, ignore those corrections. They apply in the least cases anyways. Some well informed contacts of mine reported that "teachers" decide at home, with the help of a dice, when to say which correction. You are the best anyway. Improvement is for losers!
Looking forward to bad technique, higher risk of injuring yourself and being hated by the teacher and your fellow students.

5. If you don't have it, force it
Now this goes especially for turnout. You don't have that perfect 180° turnout? Don't feel down, just force it. Turn out your feet as far as possible. And remember, from the knees, not the hips. Hear that strange clicking noise in your knees? Be proud, you reached your goal.
Looking forward to strained tendons in your knees.

6. Unfitting shoes
The myth of the fitting shoe was thought up by pointe shoe makers to get more money from you by trying out different kinds of shoes. But since we are in fact educated, we won't be fooled. Just buy the shoe in the next best size! And blue is such a wonderful colour for feet.
Your shoe is slippery? Great for dashing across the floor. You think your pointe shoes are dead? Well, you guessed it, this is again a lie. Pointe shoes are never dead. With a bit of good will, you can still dance in them and they make your arch looks so much nicer when they are really soft.
Looking forward to hammertoes, ingrown toenails, tripping on your shoes, falling down and blistered feet.

7. Check your eating habits.
You have probably heard of those nasty little things called vitamins. They are highly dangerous. Be sure to avoid them at all costs. Now this won't be easy in the beginning. Go to McDonalds or Burger King for counselling and advise on better food options. As we learnt watching the Simpsons, you should first rub your food against a piece of paper. Does the paper turn transparent? Congrats, you just found a healthy food. Eat as much of it as you can, it might not be there anymore tomorrow!
The paper does not change? Be quick to throw the bad food in disguise as far away from you as possible. You never know, it could be contagious.
Looking forward to heart risks, faster weight gain and blood clots.

8. Drink less
The thing about your body needing water is, as a matter of fact, nothing but a big lie. Water is bad for you and should be avoided at all costs. Do not drink, under any circumstances, more than two glasses of water each day. If you are very eager, you can also eat a lot of salt with every meal and drink lots of soda instead of water.
Looking forward to thinking less clearly, less energized bodies and fainting.


Thanks a lot for forwarding, honey. That's what I call hilariously funny! But hey, what about getting fifteen minutes more sleep instead of warming-up, notorious cheeseburger-excursions, the coke-light addiction, or completely ignoring Mr. H's corrections whilst the good old times? Nasty girls, oh yes, we were!

;-D